From (who else) Ally

So, last night I started out in an American Grocery store calles, of all things, American Heartland Groceries Connection. It reminded me of Fairsley in that old Mr.Show sketch about the rival grocery chains. Anyways, so I'm in the bakery aisle and this fat American asks me if I need help. yes, I do. I am looking for a birthday cake for my mom. She tells me that they don't sell cake, and to take my "Canuck Ass" back over to the Publix across the street. (Publix is a big chain of American grocery stores). I'm like "how do you not sell cake? didn't Americans invent cake?" and she's all like "I don't like your smart attitude" and puts me in a cage in the meatlocker. A bunch of my friends are in there too, including my best friend Lauren and the cat that lives down the street, Mittens. I am freaked out, cause who knows what kind of weird ass Leatherface Family Reunion-type shit they are about to pull with all of us in cages. Its totally murky and weird and stuff. Anyways, so they bring in people to view us. Like, its a Canadian museum or something. One of the visitors is a girl I used to be friends with in H-School, Gillian Menard. (I haven't talked to her in like, 4 years...I have no idea why she is in this dream) and Lauren and I are pleading with her to let us out. I'm like "Gillian, they don't feed us and we have to sleep in the cages! Help us! All youhave to do is lift up the gate! Its not hard!" and she's like "Aw, it's talking to me!! I want to take it home!!"
So the guard (baker) comes up to my cage, unlocks it, AND TAKES OUT MITTENS!! Bitch was only freeing the cat! WTF?!? So, the rest of us humans are stuck in the cage, waiting for death, or Leatherface or something.
Anyways, it was weird to say the least.
Also, if Alex doesn't start updating her dreams again, I'm calling colbert.

From Ally

So, I wake up this morning and I'm trying really hard to remember my dream. Sometimes when I'm dreaming, I'll say to myself in my dream "remember ______". Like, If I'm having a dream about cheeseburgers, I'll go "remember these delicious cheeseburgers" (I have never had a dream about cheeseburgers. That is more of a Jughead Jones dream) Anyways, I woke up this morning and out loud, I went "Hot Black Guy". That was what I told myself to remember. Hot Black Guy. I have NO IDEA what the dream was about. Just that it involved a hot black guy (sorry Chris). So, here is a picture of a hot black guy.
Note: Nowhere did I mention that Chris Brown was talented. Just hot.

The Kenny vs. Spenny Nightmare

So, last night was the season 3 premier of Kenny vs. Spenny, which despite it being totally scripted and lame, is still one of my favorite shows. Anyways, so the challenge this week was whoever laughed first, lost. They kept trying to get eachother to laugh, with no avail. For instance, Spenny tried to get Kenny to laugh by taking him to a cancer support group (I know, I know, I'm sorry), which failed. There were 3 instances where elaborate costuming was used. Costumes which could have been pulled right out of my nightmares. (Technically, it was 4. But Kenny hanging a huge fake peen out of his underwear isn't that elaborate of a costume.)
1. Kenny wears a rubber vagina as a mask and a curly black wig.
Yeah, this was pretty fucked up. He looked like something from Pink Floyd's The Wall (which I have NEVER seen because animation like that frightens me). It was pretty weird; very Rabbi Vaginawitz.
2. Spenny dresses up like Shirley Temple.
This was weird cause it was a grown-ass man weaing a little pink dress, talking in some strange-ass German baby-talk, and touching himself and talking about making poo-poo. Too weird, too weird. He was dancing around Kenny in the kitchen and asking him to have anal sex with him. Hello!! You are like, a 5 year old. Kenny is totally sadistic, but I think that even he is not turned on by child porn. So weird. Then Kenny was like "dude, you're embarrasing yourself. You're doing a humiliation and the contest isn't even over yet" and Spenny got mad and threw his giant lollypop on the kitchen floor. So creepy. Did I mention he was also wearing a full face of makeup? Yep.
3. Kenny wears a full gold spandex head-to-toe bodysuit.
This was only funny cause he put that huge fake peen in the suit and it went down to like, his knee. That was funny. But the suit had a mask to it too, with like long black eyelashes. It creeped me out so bad. He was thrusting around Spenny's face and shit. It just reminded me of Silence of the Lambs. You know, the mangina scene. Don't tell me that scene didn't give you a shitload of nightmares.
Anyways, all in all, I meditated my ass to sleep cause I didn't want ANY of the above imagery in my dreams. ESPECIALLY Spenny dressed up like a little German 5 year old girl.
So yeah. Anyways, I rate the episode a 9. It was pretty funny. But extremely disturbing, especially when you learn that Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice are like, 40 years old (believe it)
PS: Alex totally loved when Kenny had the vagina mask. She was like "who is that handsome woman?" and I'm like "it's Kenny in a mask" and she's like "uh...what? uh...no, are you sure?"

From Alex

So this is the end result of an afternoon nap I took today.
I saw my friend Gaelen outside of the community pool slipping his own comics into newspapers on a stand. I told him I was going to0 visit my parents and he had nothing to do so he came along. Usually, on the 3 hour busride to Bracebridge the bus has to pull into the Yorkdale bus terminal, which is a huuuuge square shaped ramp. So the ramp was inside an apartment (my parents, apparanlty) and their appartment was vertical and three stories high. So we get out at the kitchen and I see my Mom holding a baby girl (which I automatically know is my little sister) and I pick the baby up and then forget her name. I feel really bad because afterall, she's my sister.
I said it was either Tara or Olivia and my Mom said it was Olivia. And then reality kicked in and I was all like "Mom, you were never pregnant.... this isn't yours..." And it turned out she had been telling everyone it was hers even though it was our cousins and she was just looking after her. I woke up at 6:00 p.m., went grocery shopping and had a party in the lasagna aisle.

I'm Noking - From Ally

Okay, so my partner at work Tom told me about this sleep meditation thing, where you relax yourself so much before you go to sleep that you'll sleep like a zombie. I wanted to try it one night, and let me tell you, I slept the best 8 hours of my life. I wanted to do it again last night. So I'm laying in my bed, on my back, and you start by thinkng of nothing and relaxing your toes, then your ankles, then your calves, and so on. The night before I got to my knees and passed out. (Its really relaxing). Anyways, so I'm laying there after 'The Colbert Report' (I'm trying to be supportive of Alexandra's disgusting addiction, of course) and I start with my toes and go all the way up to my head. It really feels like you're floating, its so cool. JUST as I'm about to fall asleep, Alex runs in, flips on the light, and sit on my chest. I am winded now, and fully pissed, but she is much more powerful than I (kinda like He-Man is to She-Ra) and starts goofing around. Smothering me with my own pillow, slapping my face with my own hands. I'm fucking immobilized from this sleep relaxation, so I'm basically a corpse. Just as I'm about to stop breathing, she tells me to 'be Chris Farley'.
* I need to explain this next part. When we are fighting, or she's not laughing at me, or being a miserabitch like usual, I do this thing where I pretend I'm Chris Farley in that old Saturday Night Live sketch where he's Todd O'Connor on the show Bill Swerski's Superfans. You know the one, where they are these guys from Chicago who are all huge Mike Ditka fans? Anyways, in the Thanksgiving episode, Todd looks like he's having another heart attack, but it turns out he's choking. And he says 'I'm choking, I'm choking' but its sounds more like 'I'm Noking! I'm Noking!" But its really long and drawn out like "I'M NOOOOOOOKEEEEEEEEEEING!!!"
So I had to say "I'm choking" like Chris Farley over and over again. I couldn't find the video, so I got another one of Bill Swerski's Superfans so you can get an idea. The picture above Farley is a link to it.
The only dream I had involved me in spittle country. I don't need to explain it, just watch Deliverance (ewww..minus any anal rape scene - my dream didn't have that)

A Note from Stephen Colbert

Hello fellow Americans.
It has been brought to my attention that some people on this blog are having overtly-sexual dreams of me. I would like to publicly go on the record saying that
a) I have a wife
b) and children
c) and don't want to jeopardize all that for some fluffy-haired harlott.
Also, even though I am married, I can say that even I dream about Ally. She is quite a looker. Gotta love that mole above her lip.
("Why thank you Stephen" - Ally)
Sincerely
Stephen William Henry Harrison Colbert

From Alex

Okay, so I just had a nap and this is what I dreamt up (PS sorry to all our fans, I know that you cherish each one of my posts so very much, I'll update everyday like Ally)

Me and Ally were at the Gap on Yonge and Dundas when she took the biggest dump in the changeroom. Ellen Degenres was doing a bit for her 'Ellen goes to Can-EH-Da' episode and was working as an employee and had to come clean up Ally's filth.
I started trying on pants and all I hear is Ellen saying "Ah, come on folk, does everybody poop like this in... CAN EH DA?" And she makes that EH joke like fifty times. And then Ally turns around and goes "Ellen, I'm so hot for you" and they start going at it on camera. And then K.D Lang walks into the changeroom to try on a cableknit sweater and then she starts making out too. And then Ally says outloud "I'm a raging lesbian" Like the host on "You bet your Ass" says.
And then Allison farts a lot and poos more and makes out with famous lesbians and I ended up buying some black pants because they were on sale for $24.99.

From Ally - Last Night

Okay, so my friend Dan says that all dreams can be explained and that it is your subconcious making up stories while you sleep that tell your true feelings. I call bullshit. I say its just random stories your weird brain makes up to entertain you while you sleep. Explain this one, Danno:

I dreamt that my father was having an affair and my mother was really upset. I went to my dad's new house to visit this hussy and go crazy stepchild on her ass. When I get to the door, there is a brunette Barbie doll there. I looked at it and was like "this bitch is so fug" and kicked it down the stairs. When I walked down the stairs to retreive her, I noticed her doll house and all her clothes. I was amazed. I was like (in an eight-year-old girl voice) "pretty fashions! beautiful dream house!" and got her all dressed up in this long dark red sparkly dress. I also made her hair longer (cause she was a Barbie with growable hair) and then I was like "Dad...I like this new wife of yours! She makes all my dreams come true!" Hello?!? My father was cheating on my mother with a Barbie doll!!
Too Weird!

From Ally

Last night was so weird and it was a two parter:
So first, I dreamed that my mom bought me this ultra-fake Tiffany bracelet for graduation. It had this ceramic diploma and mortaboard and stuff. Really lame. I think there was also a ceramic teddy bear. Anyways, I couldn't return it, so I kept it. Wouldn't you know this morning i wake up and the first e-mail I get is from eBay services saying that they removed one of my items because its a COUNTERFEIT TIFFANY! How crazy is that?!?! (And its so not a counterfeit Tiffany; its an Aldo accessories.)
Second part to the dream is that I'm sitting in my parents living room, talking to them, and i get distracted by a plane. Its flying really low outside. And as it flies even lower, I see that its not a plane, but a tie-fighter from Star Wars. And it keeps declining and I'm wishing that it crashes. Ive never seen a plane crash, and I really want to. And then, boom, its down in a field and burning like crazy. And then like, 8 more fall from the sky. I ran outside and its carnage and flames and stuff and I yell out "NO SCHOOL!!" (WTF? I dont even go to school.) And who jumps out of one of the flaming wrecks? An old friend of ours named Deaglan. First off, where did he get a tie-fighter. Second, learn how to drive your fucking tie-fighter.

From Ally

First off, Alex needs to start updating her dreams more.
Second, I had a messed up dream two nights ago. Me and Nicole Richie were best friends and she kept telling me she wasnt an anorexic. Then she'd be like "to stay this skinny, you need to eat lots of vitamin c's" and then she downed a bottle. I was like "and then you have breakfast?" and she's like "no..thats it...a bottle of vitamin c". The dream was only cool cause she loaned me a super-expensive purse. Also, I dreamed about killing zombies with a sawed-off double barrell, but I don't need to explain that. Just watch Dawn of the Dead or something.
Last night I dreamed that me and my family lived in this post-apocalyptic Mad-Max world in these tin townhouses. We wore weird ass rags and slept on shitty beds. Everything was grey. I bought a bag of tootsie pops and my sister ate most of them. I freaked out on her. Then I was pissed so I ran to my "room" (a bed in the livingroom) and sulked and read old TV Guides.
Also, I went to FearFest last night, so I'm lucky I didnt dream of the Undead trying to kill me all night.

From Ally

First of all, Alex needs to update her dreams more. Am I right? Yes, I'm right.

Secondly, this was my only dream last night:
I'm driving down the DVP to my house (I don't drive) and in my rearview mirror there's three babies riding go-karts. I know. And the middle baby goes "what, I'm riding a go-kart...big deal".
Two babies were pretty cute, but one of the babies was really really ugly. Like, se had the same face as Carrot Top. So, I guess you could call it a nightmare.

From Ally

Too Weird, Too Weird...
Okay, so I dreamt like a billion things last night and remembered ZERO. Which sucks, but the only thing I remembered was this: My alarm went off early, so I turned the TV on and went back to sleep. Of course, Saved By The Bell was on (the best) but it was a Tori episode (the worst). I started dreaming about SBTB. The kids were at a museum and Lisa and Screech were looking at the statue of David and Lisa looks at the penis (which I might add, looked a lit-tle bit porno for a renaissance statue) and she goes "what's that?" and Screech goes "oh, fishsticks...its fishsticks". And Lisa Turtle's all "oooohhhhh yeah....fishsticks". (WTF?) and then Tori walks up to Zack wearing this white "Basic Instinct" turtleneck dress and she's cramming fistfulls of fishsticks into her mouth and Zack is all "whoah...go easy on those fishsticks Tori..."
WTF? Seriously...this was a horrible dream because
a) I HATE the Tori character on Saved Bt The Bell. Leanna Creel (the actress who played Tori) was on my TV and in my dream...nay, nightmare. I woke up mad pissed. I hate Leanna Creel with a passion.
b) I ate a tuna sandwich before I went to bed last night and I think it fucked up my dreams. Thats too bad. Tunafish sandwiches are really good, 'specially before beddies.
Oh! and Slater was in the dream too, but as "Dancing with the Stars" Mario Lopez. So, no acid wash jeans and jheri-curled mullet.

Oh Shit! I just remembered!

From Ally
Okay! One element from a dream this weekend ( and I ONLY thought of this cause I'm at work and have to pee) was that I was in a changeroom in the mall, not sure what store, and the saleslady was like "if you shit or piss in the clothes, you get them for free and we'll pay for the drycleaning" and all these women were shitting their pants to try to get free clothes and Alex was like "Those jeans are like $200! Piss your pants!" and I'm standing there going 'Jesus, I'm trying!!'. And you know when you are having a dream and like, the dream is just you walking into a bathroom or wearing adult diapers or swimming in a lake and you are so scared you will actually pee your bed? That was this dream. And so in my dream im trying to piss my pants so bad and im also SCREAMING at myself in my dream going "WAKE THE FUCK UP!! DON'T PISS YOUR BED!! THIS IS A DREAM!!" and I'm still trying in my dream to pee, cause my sister's like "Seven jeans, True Religion! If you pee in them, you get them for free!!"
God damn, I forced myself to wake up and was so happy that I hadn't peed my bed, but I was also really pissed that I didn't have those jeans.

From Ally

Christ, where do I start? I slept like a baby this weekend (turkey + rum and cokes = oxycontin) so i only remembered one dream. Its pretty messy. I dreamt that I went to highschool in a cave underground, like where mole people and chuds live. We had this photoshop project to do that had to include elements of September 11th and the soap store LUSH. Mine was this fireman all charred-up with a tear in his eye and the burning World Trade Centre behind him and he's holding a LUSH bag and it said "We Remember our Fallen Comrades". It looked like an old Communist Cold War poster. Anyways, so then we had this underground flea market at school too. It was part of our economics class and I had a clothing booth that was like, 30 feet high and 4 feet wide. I had this long 19th Century-style library ladder to get the clothes. It was very Harry Potter. This girl came up to me and was like "can I buy that orange shirt in a size small?" and im like "yeah, sorry, it only comes in cake" and I gave her this orange cake. Too weird. Then I had this turquoise and purple enamel bracelet (sort of like the enamel Hermes bracelets) and it had my name on it. Anyways, I lost it at the flea market and my boyfriend was like "i'll buy you another one from Hermes" but I couldn't tell him that the bracelet was this total Chinatown knockoff.
Seriously, THIS was the best dream I had all weekend.

From Ally

October 4th Night

I really wish I had written this dream down, because now that I come back to it, it's not that cool. I was in this Thanksgiving-weekend parade up north at my parents house (although it looked like Maine) and I was on this Viking Float. But it was with real Vikings, and they were robbing shit and terrorizing people and stuff. Burning down their houses. So I was like "I'm out" and left, but I went back to this house I was living in, and it was like "Big Brother", so I was living with a ton of people. And the producers were like "you have to put on some shoes, we're shooting some press shots". So I'm like, okay, shoes. Meanwhile, my "cellphone" is going off all the time and i can't shut it off (my alarm clock has a record function and I recorded my ringtone into it to wake me up) And when I opened up my closet, there were like, 30 pairs of black flats (like a kind I already own) and my sister was standing behind me and goes "oh yeah, that's great, look at all your shoes...and I have to walk around barefoot". And then I responded to her by going "Shit! I'm missing Saved By The Bell!" Which I was, cause I then woke up and it was 7:50, and Saved By The Bell is on at 7:30. I wish this dream was better.

From Alex

OCTOBER 3RD night.

I'll give some background before I write about my insane dream I had last night.
First, my sister is obsessed with her current boyfriend Chris. I get pretty sick of it quickly, so having this dream was weird and I don't know the significance.
Also, I dream in parts, parts that do not relate or continue but start out of nowhere.

So I woke up with tears and an empty feeling in my stomach. I dreamt that Allison was cheating on her studious science major boyfriend, Chris, with a hot punk rock guy. I caught her going to his place because I saw her walk near his neighborhood carrying a pillow... I assume to sleep on at his house? Anyways, I caught her trying to sneak back in to her old bedroom window in our hometown when I opened her window and saw her fingers clinging to the outside. The bedroom was also about seventy stories high. I got so upset not so much for Chris but for the fact she was making herself a slut and not caring. And her attitude was that she could get away with it and Chris wouldn't find out.

The second part was that my grandparents started being stock clerks at an Independant grocery store doing midnight stocking shifts. My mom and I went to visit to see how they were doing, my Nana with a clip board and my Papa unpacking boxes in an aisle, when out of nowhere a psychopath (male, age about 50) attacked me and threw me on my back and started to physically assault me, and I specifically remember a sharp sharp pain in my knee, very realistic. My Papa couldn't get him off because of his back ( poor excuse, really) My Mom was holding a lot of boxes, and well, my Nana just stood there. After so much pain, I got him off and he ran away out the door. I screamed at my Nana, called her a bitch, and left the store.

Alex

From Ally

They say you dream in black and white. Or that there is no sound in your dreams.
My sister and I are notorious for having very vivid, strange, and violent dreams. Sometimes they are really funny, and sometimes they are horrific. Most of the time we wish we didn't dream as much as we do, but we can't change it. Most mornings, we wake up completely exhausted from dreaming and talking in our sleep all night. So we decided to publish the dreams we have for you to read. Most of them are very entertaining. Enjoy.