PINCH PUNCH, FIRST OF THE MONTH (white elephant day)

Kids, I'm afraid that I'm pulling the plug on The Messed-Up Davey Twins.
I'll give you a moment.
The great Satan himself (Rachael Zoe, pictured above) has thrown down the gauntlet. Alex has been slain. Ally remains. And while the time of mourning is now, LET'S ALL GET EXCITED FOR AN ALL-NEW DAVEY SITE.
Here's why it will be so awesome it will give you a million un-hideable soul boners:
- No more Blogger. We will have a real-person, grown-up url
- DAILY UPDATES! That means you wont have to wait for me to get up off my lazy ass to update
- More special guests than you can shake a soul boner at. THIS MEANS ERIN O'HALLORAN
- The creator of DrugsAndPoisons.com is a contributor too, so now I have a boss. And he means business
- More Starlet-hatred, More Paris/Perez-hatred, More Ginger-kid-hatred
- and much much much (well, not TOO much) more
Are we alright now? Good. expect this shit to go down sometime in the new week. February 5th, lessay.
That gives you the weekend to drink your sorrows away till Monday. I know Alex is (watch out ModClub; drunk-ass Alex is gonna be loose)
Sincerelly
Ally

Eat This Blog

I haven't had a decent dream in a while. CURSE YOU, GOD! So instead, today I am listing a list of thorns and roses into a neat little list. Fuck, do I have to explain to you what 'thorns & roses' is? Jesus...thorn is something you hate, rose is something thats good.

THORNS

14-hour days on set
Paris/Perez Hilton
My too-dry swordfish at lunch
Diarreaha
Pictures of Britney Spears sans underpants
Cockroaches
People who make jokes about mullets (mullets are redundant, you asshat)

ROSES

Taco, the 12-year-old chihuahua I want to adopt from the Toronto Humane Society
Snuggling
MySpace/Facebook
Hummus
Calling people an 'asshat'
drugsandpoisons.blogspot.com
My impression of Dane "King of the Assclowns" Cook
The Hills Season 2 - Feb.5 10pm

Payce.

Flavor of Davey-Love

Hey y'all.
So, Alex and I had another verbal throwdown. She referred to me as "New York" from Flava-Flav's hit television show 'Flavor of Love'. If you are not myself or my good friend Tom, you might not be aware of FoL and its illustrious group of classy ladies. Flav has ho's living in a house vyying for his love (and penis). He gives them stupid nicknames like Red Oyster, Hoopz, Pumkin, and my favourite, Nibblz. New York, the crackiest of the crackheads, has been on both FoL and FoL2. She is retarded. Really. She says shit like "Pee-pole should nawt messsss with my spaccce or my thingzaah. Thissss is New Yorkkkz air to breathe." She is really a turd.
Anyways, Alex said I was insulting her and a) not making sense but also b) saying everything phoenetically. Like New York. Then I pulled out the classic of the classic Davey Twins comebacks; I made a crack about weight. And when I say 'crack about her weight' I told her that if I was New York, she was Like Dat (yes, another FoL ho...except she was like 400 lbs. and had a shit weave)
Anyways, my dream was really boring last night - I dreamt that I punched Rachael Ray in the face. I don't know why. Wait, I do know why, she's annoying as hell.

No Dreams, Just Fights

Okay, so my dreams have seem to have taken a hiatus - they are so effing boring lately. Instead, I am choosing to update everytime Alex beats the shit out of me. Now, iif you know anything about Alex, you know she is unneccesarily aggressive and angry all.the.time. She also loves beating up on me cause I used to beat her up all the time when I was little. Let's face it - I was strong and tall and she was short and lazy. Now the tables have turned - I am weaker and more genteel and she is more angry and strong and has tonnes of beat-lust. I myself cannot punch someone. Alex loves it.
So, two days ago, Alex delivered my daily beating as I was trying to watch TV. She wailed on me for a bit and then, cause she is so clumsy, she kicked a bowl off my nightstand and it broke. It was also filled with cereal-milk, which got everywhere. I chose to clean it up, cause she's a pig and wouldn't do it right and my room would end up smelling like baby barf.
And yesterday, she was fighting me (mostly tickling, which feels more like hard poking and scratching) and she pulled my finger so hard...okay, I have to preface this by saying she has this thing called "twist and turn technology" where she basically rips your fingers out of the knuckles. So she gave me some twist and turn technology and broke my right-hang ring finger.
What a psycho. Also, I think she needs Anger-Management lessons or something. Actually, no, because normally when she beats the hell out of something, she is laughing her dumb ass off. So, maybe she needs Whitby Psych or something.
Payce.

Cod Poppers

So, my dream is based around a tapas menu item at reds, where I work. 'Tapas' is a pretentious word for 'bar food'. Anyways, they have this one tapas called 'Panko Crusted Scottish Cod with Crispy Frites & Tarter Sauce', which is a pretentious way of saying 'Cod Poppers and Fries'. Anyways, in my dream I was at summer camp held at my cottage. It was kinda like Wet-Hot, except no Jeanne Garofalo. The Stella boys were in it, tho. Anyways, the final camp-wide event was a boxcar race through the forest. We prepared our cars and fixed them all up. Then, when it was time for the race, our cars mysteriously turned into cod-poppers and we just pushed them around in the dirt. Mine won, and we all ate our cod poppers. They were delicious. Then I heard someone go "they're not called cod poppers!!"
I don't know who it was, but I'm pretty sure it was one of my managers.
Tapas are lame.

From Ally

Hey hey hey. So, I finally had a dream last night that didn't involve working. Which is good. So, anyways, my parents had bought a new house. It was really nice. Then, like a month later, they remodelled it and turned it into this gigantic home which took up all their lawnspace and shit. Seriously, the garage was like 40 feet tall and was RIGHT at the curb. It was such an eyesore. And it was all grey, so it looked like a big prison. When you got inside, it had all these messed up angles and such. Like, they clearly did it themselves and didn't hire a designer or a contractor. It was so lame. Anyways, they said they needed the space for a few extra people. i was thinking they meant me and my sister, but it turns out my Aunt Lynda, cousin Michael, and the Freemantle family (this family that went to our church in Uxbridge) were living there too. Like, 4 beds to a room. And there were beds in the hallway. Also, Mrs. Freemantle has 4 kids in real life, but the the dream she had 7. So, this was gross. So many kids and the house was filled with beds. I yelled at my parents for not getting bunkbeds (they gave everyone a Queen sized bed - like, even for the 3 year olds) and yelled at them for turning the house into a commune. It was so bad - like, cracker crumbs everywhere. I hated it. The real reason I had come home tho was because I had a highschool reunion. Now, my boyfriend said he'd never go to a highschool reunion, so I went alone. It was INSANE!! People were so unfortunate. Like, they all worked at the school as janitors and cafeteria persons. Anyways, so everyone was in really fancy dresses (lame) and my friend Amy wore her wedding dress (she just got married) but it was cool cause she only went to make fun of people. So yeah, it was in the gymnasium (double lame) and the DJ was the biggest pig. He was like "you can sleep with me for 200 bucks, if you want" and I'm like "hells no, you went to our highschool" (which may or may not have been true). So yeah, he was asking all the girls and then this one trashy girl who went to our school, who I wont mention (Ashley Howard) was like "I've got $200!" and she's like "he's a REAL DJ! I'm gonna be famous!" - Hello! He wasn't DJ AM! He was some kid with a CD player and a Dance Mix '96 album! So he takes her into "his office" (the DJ booth) and they start going at it. Well, of course everyone can see through the windows, so we're all watching and making fun. Lots of "oh, sick!" and I heard some guy go "whaaaat thaaaa faaaack??!?!" (I laughed out loud at that one). We can't see their faces, but then the DJ pops his head up and goes "yeah, I'm done" AND PULLS A MEG RYAN MASK OFF HER FACE!!! He made her wear basically a paper bag with Meg Ryan's face on it. Ho-lee shit. And she's all "best $200 I ever spent!" Then she leaves the booth and tells her friend "...I don't have enough money for rent now....what will i do?"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Anyways, it was so effed up and hilarious in the same way. I WISH my highschool reunion can be this good.

From Alex

What I remember and what haunts me is...

My parents got seperated, and my Dad at his new house got two new dogs, a dachshund and a pit bull (sick).
The weiner dog was ADORABLE but when it was doing extra adorable things, like sniffing through my hair, I'd turn around and it was a midget wearing a fucking hotdog costume.
W T F!?

Anyways I am really scared of les midges and this fucking disturbed me. And he'd make those pervy "Wee Man" faces and grimaces and it creeped me the hell out, but then it would randomly turn back into the cute fat wombly weiner dog from before.

Welp. That's it.